This Time Last Year…

This time last year, I was studying for my A Level exams. Three A2 maths, two A2 geography, two A2 physics, two A2 chemistry, and one AS maths resit exam. Not the most enjoyable time of my life, I have to admit. Even though I’d spent all of Christmas break revising like a mad person, I didn’t do as well as I was expected to do in my mock exams. At the beginning of A levels I was predicted three As and, to get onto the course I started last September, I needed an A and two Bs.

By this time last year, revision was already well under way. Learning case studies for geography and trying desperately to remember trigonometry rules for maths (rules I still don’t know). I remember having a huge, hand made poster about Simple Harmonic Motion next to my bed, and a littler one showing the development of a Temperate Deciduous Woodland next to it. I had a box (I still have the box, actually) of flash cards, hand made dominos and jigsaws which I used to revise, laying them all out on my bed and going through packs three or four times a day.

My chemistry course still hadn’t finished all the content I needed to cover at this point, which was pretty scary. I don’t think my physics had either. Chemistry ended up being my worst subject. I got a C overall, but it was remarked and I ended up with a B. I knew I was going to have trouble with it because there was a lot of fact learning and a lot of maths and there was no one specific thing you could revise and you would be sorted. The same is true of Geography, but my Geography teacher was so good at preparing us for our exams I wasn’t really worried about it.

This time last year, I cried at least once a week. It was a stressful time. Between the pressure of exams, the pressure I was putting myself under, and the fact one of my maths teachers was a complete and utter douche bag, it was very uncommon for me to not be crying. My back up university required the same grades as my first choice (everywhere wanted that kind of grade, except Edinburg, who wanted three As) and, with my mock exam results coming back A, C, C, E, I knew I needed to do a lot better.

I think revising for A Levels was the most stressful period of my life so far. More stressful than GCSEs, even if I was doing fewer subjects. I was so relieved when it was over and am now relieved I never have to go through all that again.

I got the grades I needed to. Just. The scary part for me is that, if I was to go through all that again, I would have to do things the same way in order to get the grades I needed. I would have to push myself to the point I spent more time crying than not in order to get onto a course (where I again spent more time crying than not, but that’s another point).

This time last year was a long time ago, and I’m glad it’s over.

Stress? What Stress?

Exams are probably one of the most stressful things I have ever done. They’re strange things. Your entire future depends on how well you remember things you spent weeks reading about. Or a couple of hours the night before, depending on who you are.

This exam period, I have six exams. One has already been completed and, thankfully, did not go quite as badly as expected. I expect the next five to be a lot worse.

There are lots of different types of exam takers.

There are those who organise their revision months ahead of the exams, making posters, doing past papers, and working hard. I used to be one of those people. I had to be one of those people. It is not a glamorous lifestyle to spend the entire holiday working hard and barely leaving your room, but it got me the grades I needed.

Then there are those who do not need to revise. My eldest brother, currently sitting his GCSEs is one of these people. I despise these people and their ability to do well in lessons but only have to put in minimum effort to do so. They don’t have to revise. Some brag about this fact and make you feel insignificant when they get good grades by doing nothing. Others will just shrug it off, because everyone’s different.

Then there are those who spend the night before revising desperately. I am not one of these people (Yet) but I know a fair few of them. Every teacher on the planet will tell you this isn’t how to revise, but it works for some people and if it works for you, continue to do it.

Another type of exam taker are those who are so stressed out they no longer care about anything in the world. These are the people who have come to accept the fact they have failed and, instead of trying to desperately change a fact that is written in stone, are making plans to begin their life of a failure. This is currently the category I have found myself in.

You think I’m stressed? Stressed has become part of my personality, and the only reason I am not sobbing on the floor currently is because there is no use in that.

Have a happy exam period!

Blood, Sweat, and Tears. But mostly tears.

“I’ve only cried about the course twice!” I tell my friends proudly, expecting to be congratulated on my coping ability.

“If it’s stressing you out this much, you should speak to somebody,” I am told, by somebody who clearly doesn’t know how stressed I’ve been for the past two years.

This was my Facebook status a couple of weeks ago, and a conversation that actually happened. Since then, that total has gone up to five times, but I’m still quite proud of how well I’ve been managing the cope this year.

For the past two years, before starting university – maybe a little longer – I’ve cried on average probably about once a week. That’s not an exaggeration. Usually, it’s a lot more than once a week. That’s the entire two years of A-level, the most stressful two years of my life, and then end of the last year of secondary school, the most stressful year of my life up until that point.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with crying. It relieved stress, and helped me get to sleep at night a number of times. Obviously, it doesn’t make the situation any better. Crying about how stupid maths was and how much I hated my maths teacher (I still have a passionate dislike for one of my A2 maths teachers) was never going to help me understand the problem. Knowing I was wasting time crying about it probably made me even worse.

I’m not ashamed about the fact I cried, either. I wasn’t the only one struggling with work at A level. My friends would often keep their tears inside and let the stress build and build until it all came out the day before deadline day when they had an entire scrap book of photos to stick down and they hadn’t even started. Crying was my way of managing the stress. And it worked pretty well.

The fact I’m not crying now isn’t because I feel any less stressed than I did at A level. That is in no way the case. I’m not sure why I’m not crying at the moment, or even why I’m very proud of the fact I’m not crying, but I get a small sense of accomplishment from it. Soon, probably, that barrier will break and I’ll be back to my usual once a week average. Maybe getting my grades back from my mid-semester tests will push me over the edge. But, if I do fall back into the routine of regularly crying, I’ll know it’s not because I’m weak. It’s not because I’m stupid. It’s because the course has worn me down, the workload has worn me down, and I just need a little time to myself.

Hopefully, I’ll manage to keep to a low “number of cries” count, but I don’t see that happening. It’s something to look forward to.